A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy”
September 17, 2011
by Yashar Ali
|The opinions expressed herein are those of the author, and not necessarily those of The New Agenda.
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If you’re a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: “You’re late 
”
These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”
I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?
Brilliant and encouraging post. Thank you!
Fascinating read. I think often about this topic. It’s so much a part of a women’s world that it’s become normalized and accepted. I wrote an article, “Mean People”, which touched on the “just kidding” topic. I’ve learned over the years that while some people are consciously aware that they are behaving badly, others are so used to being passive aggressive that they actually believe the “sensitive” person is in the wrong. The question still remains, what is the best way to handle this behavior?
Here is a link to Mean People, if you are interested in reading: http://secretsofmoms.com/2011/01/23/mean-people/
Great article!
More truth throughout this article than most care to admit. Excellent points and honest observations. Thanks so much.
Sending link to everyone.
PS The movie “Gaslight” perfect example.
You are right. It isnt necessarily intentional but it is a part of our society. A byproduct of inequality. I’d like to think no one wants their daughter to be treated that way, or at least most people. With that, we have hope. But lots of work to do.
In the clinical and recovery milieu with which I am familiar , the term “CRAZY-MAKING ” behaviors were used to describe , these same behaviors . And it can begin in childhood , which is one reason why we become so accustomed to explanations for things that do not fit the reality of the circumstances .Who do you believe, me or your lying eyes ?
I’ve seen women use this on other women, in a couple of cases a mother against a daughter.
Thank you!
If I had a dime for every time I’ve been told I was too sensitive and answered with, “Just forget it,” I’d ….
Thank you for writing this and opening eyes to the insidiousness of gaslighting.
In most cases, those who gaslight don’t even realize they are doing it because it is so ingrained, and it is almost never questioned.
This is a great article, I feel like it will take me a while to digest all of it. At this point though I would like to say that I work as a wild-land fire fighter, and there are very very few women in the field. I have been put down by guys from work who I consider good personal friends for even discussing my emotions. I believe they respond this way because they view emotions as weakness and that I am crazy for indulging in my emotions. I think a lot of what needs to change is our cultural outlook on emotions. The other thing I would like to say is that at work it is socially acceptable for guys to lose their tempers, but if I even tear up it is unacceptable.
Could it be it’s not so much women being
‘overly sensitive’, ‘irrational’, ‘unhinged’ and ‘overreacting’ as it’s men being ‘insensitive’, ‘unimaginative’, ‘static’ and ‘underreacting’?
Wonderful article. I know so many women that are subjected to gaslighting on a regular basis by their spouses and families. I realize now I am quite lucky, for this is something I almost never experience. In fact, I can only think of two people who have ever done it to me more than once, and both of those men are now far removed from my life.
Thank you for a wonderful article, and for getting everyone thinking!
Amy, thank you for sharing my column. And thanks to all of you for reading.
A brilliant and insightful piece about an issue which I think is not just limited to a country but is fairly global. I believe many people wouldn’t care to think about this issue given the largely patriarchal society we live in.
What strikes me as funny is the double standard about women and ‘craziness’ especially in relationships. Some men seem to think women should be just ‘crazy’ enough (‘wild’, not ‘boring’, etc) to be ‘desirable’, but not ‘crazy’ enough (i.e., assertive, opinionated, expressive) so as to ‘threaten’ them or drive them away.
This piece got me thinking about my own actions as a woman. The passive aggression you mention confuses many people (including myself) and until now, I used to wonder why I felt so distanced from the ‘smiley faces’ I typed or put on when such things happened, or why I was using them in the first place. It’s refreshing and reassuring to hear it from a man’s perspective, so thank you.
Interesting. I’m assuming this problem is firmly rooted in our society now. I hear fellow male co-workers saying the “Women are Crazy” line all the time. I think in general it stems from the differences between men and women.
Men are not allowed to express emotions that make them appear weaker and less manly to fellow men. I think that the macho attitude from the male “excepted” emotional responses is being imposed on the women in our society.
Men have been in the habit of “toughening” up each other for years and when it comes to women, most men fail miserably at understanding why women express emotions that are not acceptable for men. So the typical male response is “You’re overreacting” when the man should have said “I know I’m late, but please don’t make a big deal of it because I already feel guilty.” I’m sure in most cases it is not deliberate gaslighting, but nonetheless the damage is done. Women can stop this by confronting the person gaslighting them. What makes their opinion of your emotional reaction a social norm? Be who you want to be, because if you’re not happy with yourself, then your definitely not going to be happy acting as somebody you are not.
As with all relations, be it working or personal, communication is always hardest between men and women. I try desperately to make sure when I talk to my wife that she understands exactly what I’m saying, because a few misunderstood words can build up over time and ruin any relationship.
To the women out there, as a man I’ll do my part to discourage the “women are crazy” comment, but in the end I think it’ll have to be the women confronting the gaslighting individuals to turn this around.
Whenever I was told that I was overreacting or acting crazy or too passionate, I used to rethink what I had just said or did. I finally decided to embrace the idea that I am passionate and intense when it comes to my feelings. I am proud to have that much feeling inside of me. I was tired of feeling bad or out of the norm. I learned a lot from this article and glad that it is out here for people to see and others to learn from. Thanks!
Thank you. This has brought tears to my eyes for being the youngest in the family and the only girl. With two older brothers and many foster brothers who would come and go through out my childhood as my parents were foster parents I would often get gaslighted. I am gratiful to have read your post as it shed some light into my past. I am in the process of letting it go now. So that I may become a mom who does not gaslight her own children. and now son needs me.
This isn’t something uniquely done by men to women.
So real…. ! Thank you
This is a critical piece for all folks to read– not just for women’s health, but for men’s as well. Women, in our society, still carry the lion’s share of child-raising. Gaslighting affects self-esteem, and that self-esteem is often replicated in female AND male offspring. I know questions of my own worth came from my mom’s questioning of hers…which came from my dad’s gaslighting of her abilities.
This gaslighting stuff is not benign- it can trigger and feed chronic depression and anxiety, interfere with a mother’s ability and availability in her role as mom, and create negative patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are taken up by offspring. Thankfully, there are cognitive exercises to undo some of this damage, but not the pain that comes with it.
And none of it can take place until an individual can make the first great realization that they aren’t crazy– they just happened to stumble into a family, community or work environment that is.
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