Rasha’s Story, Part IV: Divorce and Child Custody in Saudi Arabia
March 7, 2011
by Rasha Alduwaisi
|The New Agenda is honored to present Part III of Rasha’s Story, a series about the lives of women and girls in Saudi Arabia, written by a young Saudi mother. You can read more about Rasha in Part I, Part II and Part III.
We encourage our viewers to leave questions for Rasha for future blog posts – or show support of her extraordinary courage in speaking out. Of special note in this piece is the graphic provided, which Rasha explains shows a rare occurrence – a woman lawyer.
If I had to choose one aspect where I believe Saudi women are most wronged, I would have to say divorce and child custody.
The legal system is extremely flawed in so many ways, there are almost no written laws, no use of precedents, and rulings are usually up to each individual judge (always a male) and his beliefs and attitudes towards the issue.
A man in Sharia law can divorce his wife simply by uttering the words “you’re divorced”!. The first time he does he can take his wife back without penalties, the second time it happens, if he wants her back he has to sign a new marriage contract (where the wife can add more terms) and give his a wife another dowry, but the third time he utters these words, he can’t have his wife back unless she marries someone else and is divorced from that second husband. These conditions are made by sharia to discourage a man from divorcing his wife. Knowing these consequences should make a man think twice before he divorces his wife in a moment of anger. But nowadays, men are misusing this flexibility in divorce, and sometimes divorce their wives in courts, and issue a divorce document, without the wife even knowing about it. It baffles me how the system allows this!
The biggest problem with most Saudi systems, and especially the legal system, is that they act as if we are still in the 7th century. when everyone knew everyone, and people had stronger moral compasses. Things are different now, people and their relationships are more complicated, yet the courts refuse to update laws.
Now on the other hand, if a wife does not want to be married to her husband any more, she has to be prepared for a legal battle that takes years from her life. The fact that sharia laws are based on a few incidents that happened during the life of the prophet and some studies made later on by “male” scholars, is the reason behind how things are now concerning khulu (an arabic word which roughly translates to yanking, and refers to the act of a woman “divorcing” her husband”.
Khulu is based on an incident that happened during the prophet’s life where a woman came to him PBUH and told him how she wasn’t fond of her husband, and how she felt repelled when she saw him with other men. so the Prophet told her to return his garden to him, and that would end their marriage. (the garden was her dowry). Simple! right? She returns his dowry and that’s it! .. but the thing is, in this story the marriage was new, the wife was not mistreated by the husband, there were no kids involved as far as we know, and the only person to blame for ending the marriage is the wife herself, because she accepted the marriage proposal and then changed her mind after the fact. which makes returning the dowry absolutely fair!
Over a century later, the Saudi courts ask the wife seeking khulu to rerun the dowry no matter what the case is. She maybe physically abused, the husband could be a drug addict, the marriage could have lasted years, and so on… no matter what the reasons are, as long as it’s the wife seeking divorce, the wife is asked to return the dowry, and sometimes even asked to pay more (some kind of punitive damages) to be able to get khulu. Of course many husbands are taking advantage of this corrupt system, and they would abuse and mistreat their wives instead of divorcing them so that they would seek khulu instead!!!
The Saudi legal system also favors the father in custody battles, contradicting the sharia law, which is a lot more versatile and flexible, and clearly states that the child’s wellbeing should be taken into consideration first and foremost. The system differentiates between a male and female child, a boy is asked to choose a parent at age 7, while a girl is automatically given to her father. This is the opinion of merely one of the 4 Islamic schools, and is based on the fact that custody incidents during the Prophet’s life happened to be of boys only! and then this scholar thought that girls should be put in the custody of their father at age 7 because they would be at an age when they get marriage proposals and the father is responsible of marrying them off!!!!!! and this scholar’s opinions are still implemented as laws now in the 21st century!!!!
Alimony and child support are a fixed amount that hasn’t changed in ages. (each child is given about $130 a month) regardless of how wealthy the father is. and most men in Saudi don’t even bother paying this amount, because their is no legal system to forcefully implement it. many have called for it to be automatically withdrawn from the father’s bank account to the child’s as done in most other Islamic countries, but this has never been even considered by the court. So whether a divorced wife and her children (if she’s lucky enough to win the custody battle) get alimony and child support is totally up to the father’s conscience.
Rasha,
Thanks again for sharing more insight into the lives of women in Saudi Arabia. I guess not being familiar enough with the laws of the land there, my question is this – is Sharia Law the only law, or is there a judicial system? I think of our laws here, that have changed over time as society has changed. Initially they were loosely based on religion, but much of our country is founded on the separation of the church from the state. Are there non-Muslims that live in your country? Atheists? Christians? How does Sharia Law affect them?
It is obviously an incredibly patriarchal system, is there any signs that women or society are making headway to modernize these laws?
Lastly – what are the plans in Saudi Arabia for the 100th International Women’s Day tomorrow?
Wow. I am speechless. Ok I’m not, I have noticed that all of the Arabs I know live in houses with many generations so maybe the divorced men are having their female relatives raise their children after he removes them from their mother. My husband would be considered competent in life and his profession but he can’t manage children. My daughter controlled her father from day one and my son either ran wild or was under extreme authoritarian rule when his dad was caring for him. I don’t think highly of men as primary parents. Men are obviously very poor at writing laws regardless of what country they are from.
Rasha, thank you for this. I am stunned and saddened by what you have shared here.
Lately I have been thinking about how American women are trapped in marriages due to fear of poverty which is in part connected with our responsibilities with childcare. What you have shared about the Saudi system of divorce and marriage shows me an entirely different level of being trapped. I would think that most woman in Saudi Arabia who are married with children do there best to stay married, even with terrible husband and abuse. I would also think that this gives Saudi husbands a terrible advantage. Why behave when they don’t have to? The consequences of divorce is significant for a woman and much less so for the man. And the threat of divorce! it might not always be said but what it means for the woman can certainly keep her in her place.
Rasha, I am curious about female friendships in Saudi Arabia. When women get together, do they talk openly about their marriages with their good friends? Or is there too much risk to speak openly? If a woman is unhappily married, who does she talk with? How much does she say?
In the United States there is much sharing while dating although it is limited once married. I think this is more pride related than fear-based. No one wants to admit to the difficulties in marriage because it would be seen as a personal failure.
Dear Denise,
In Saudi Arabia Sharia Law is the judicial system. There’s a fear of what Muslims refer to as “man-made laws” , and that’s why they fear written laws, because they might start to contradict Sharia.
Muslims believe that it’s prohibited to separate church from state. They believe that Sharia is a way of life that coveres all bases.
Saudi Arabia is not a democracy, and freedom of religion does not exist whatsoever. people from other religious backgrounds just have to deal with it I guess. They are not allowed to build churches or houses of worship, but religious police tend to be more lenient with them since they’re not muslim.
I believe there are signs of improvements. after all Saudi today is not the same Saudi it was 20 years ago. People, especially women, are more aware of their rights. and the current King obviously supports positive change. (he recently established KAUST, a co-ed university. The thought of starting co-ed education in Saudi was unthinkable until he just “made it happen”)
I haven’t heard of any plans for tomorrow. Unfortunately, Saudi people tread very carefully when trying to celebrate any international events.
Dear Bes,
I totally agree. Arab men, and especially Saudis, are even worse. Even in a stable family, a father isn’t normally involved in the day to day upbringing of his children. It’s very rare for a saudi father to change diapers, bottle-feed, give baths, help with homework, or even deal with any rising behavioral issues.
Dear Henrietta,
It is true that Saudi women usually fight to stay married despite the husbands lack of decency. What I mentioned in the article is merely the legal suffering a woman faces when seeking divorce. What’s even worse is the social aspect of it. Most families do NOT want to have their divorced daughters back so they will do everything they can to try to work things out between her and her husband. but if divorce does happen, the her family will not allow her to live alone. so almost always she’ll have to go back and live with her family once divorced, even if she has custody of her kids. the divorced woman is usually looked at as someone who will take advantage of her situation by having prohibited sexual relations. (especially now since she had a taste of it !!!!!ugh!! ) and so a lot of families are more strict with divorced daughters. all this will surely make any sane woman think 10 times before taking a step in the direction of divorce if she can avoid it.
women usually speak openly to their close female friends, but when a marriage is on the rocks, they will not be as open. I know divorced women, but never know what caused the divorce.one girl I know very closely got divorced after only one week and although he was a complete a&^#*&^!! no body knows what happened between them, not even her closest friends. Her parents thought that if they tell people what he did in order to save their daughter’s reputation, that might cause him to spread lies about her (worst of all that he found her not to be a virgin) !! but then I think whether a woman talks to her friends or not is about how close and safe she feels with her friends, and how talkative she is
! and has nothing to do with whether she’s saudi or not, women are women everywhere
Rasha – this is just horrible. I’m beyond words. It makes it all the more scary to those of us who see the small pockets of Sharia Law try to make land here in our country.
I’m just beyond words. Henrietta echoes my thoughts exactly – women have no bargaining power in the marriage. What kind of relationship can this lead to?
And the part about daughters being given to their fathers at age 7. Another OMG! How old before he can marry her off?
Dear Amy,
Again I want to thank you for providing me with this platform to tell my story.
I have lived my whole life in Saudi Arabia, and I still get shocked by the laws. However, although I have been through a period of doubt during my teenage years, I Do not blame sharia anymore, but rather the backward Saudi Islamic scholars and judges who are in charge of making and implementing these unfathomable laws. I have recently looked at the laws concerning women and family issues in Morocco which are based on Sharia, and was impressed by how they took advantage of the flexibility and leniency of Sharia.
a couple of weeks ago, I had a chance to meet with a Saudi ex-judge-turned-lawyer named Abdulaziz alQasim. This man studied Sharia his whole life, yet he believed that most our laws are based not on Sharia but on sick minds who follow the interpretations that suit their lusts and desires, especially their wanting of keeping women suppressed. and bury other interpretations. AlQasim talked to us about women’s rights and told us that based on Sharia, child marriage should be banned, and a woman should receive a ratio of her husband’s fortune if the husband divorces her, and that a guardian’s approval is never required for anything other than his daughter’s first marriage and even in this case, his approval can be dropped in special cases.
So I have to mention that our fight here in Saudi Arabia, is not, and will never be, against Sharia. We’re fighting against individuals in power who implement it wrong and brainwash the public, through school curricula and media censoring, to make them believe this is the ONLY RIGHT path.
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