Thoughts About Respect
January 29, 2009
by Anne Marie
|This past Saturday, I attended my first TNA grassroots meeting in New York.? We were a small group of 5, including two TNA founders, Amy Siskind and Karen Gerringer. Many topics were touched upon during this first meeting, and then member Sally brought up the big one: Respect.
Her outrage at the disrespect shown Hillary and Sarah during the campaign was like a fire that burned deep and intense. I think the lack of respect and our desire to fix it is what brought us together.?? I support The New Agenda not because Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin lost elections. I am here because they were disrespected. When there’s a lack of respect there’s a lack of fair play. In my mind, everything TNA cares about and wants to achieve circles back to the issue of respect.
Women’s traditional work will be better paid when women’s traditional work is better respected and that will happen when the women who do the work are more respected. More women will be elected for office when the voice of a woman in government is respected by women and men. Heterosexual domestic violence will go away when men respect the women they’re with or when women respect themselves enough to reject bad treatment. I look to The New Agenda to set a high standard of respect, demand it, and practice it. I realize I’m mostly preaching to the choir here, however my impression is that disrespect is a national epidemic that affects everyone and especially women, and it needs to be addressed.
How does one get respect if they don’t get it automatically by having status, power, or money? This is what I try to do in my life:
- Respect myself: People learn how to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves. If we disrespect ourselves, people learn that it’s okay if they disrespect us.
- Expect respect from others: We all deserve to be treated with a basic level of respect and dignity, simply for being.
- When disrespected, ask for respect: Sometimes we have to interrupt people’s bad habits, even reeducate, and it’s hard to do, but most of the time, people comply and they may even have more respect for you. Of course be respectful, and long explanations are not necessary. In fact, no explanation is necessary. Just ask for the behavior to stop.
- Respect the women in my life: Treat other women the way you want to be treated.
- When I hear a man or a woman disrespecting a woman, such as by calling her a hateful or disparaging name, request that they cease: It’s not so hard, especially if you practice. I tried it today on a colleague who referred to a woman we deal with as a bitch for no good reason at all. I asked him to stop. I didn’t ask him why he’s doing it, just asked him to stop, and he did.
Our New York City TNA group will meet again in about a month, and meanwhile we’ll be researching and planning an action to protest the respect given Hiram Monseratte, a man who violently attacked his girlfriend, and was rewarded for his exemplary behavior by being sworn in as a State Senator and given a Committee Chairmanship, while he is under investigation. Wish us luck!
Thanks so much Anne Marie for sharing your New York City TNA meeting with all of us. Your comments are thought provoking, and certainly all of us can beneft from taking your words to heart.
These grassroots groups are vital to getting the work done that The New Agenda has on its plate. Only a local group could possibly respond properly to address the problem of Hiram Monseratte. Thanks Anne Marie and The New Agenda New York City for getting this effort started and for setting a great example for the many groups that are forming across the country.
If you would like to get involved in a The New Agenda group in your area, please contact National Grassroots Chairs Thia Lawson and me, CynthiaRuccia, at cruccia@aol.com.
Anne Marie, thank you for the wonderful post!
Yes, IT IS ABOUT RESPECT. Your 5 points about expecting / gaining / requesting respect are great. We should adopt them and use them everywhere.
Respect is what we should expect from the media and in our daily lives. Sexism and misogyny are forms of disrespect.We need to address disrespect respectfully, but clearly and firmly, every time we encounter it.
Respect is a national epidemic that is promoted, in many ways, by our media, TV shows, movies, etc. Watch a sit-com or two– the disrespect between characters, human beings, is everywhere.
Respect is what I envision when I think about coming up with a “brand” word for labeling disrespect in the media (see prior post on SOB-ing). That ‘brand’ word should respect women. And we can use it to teach about respect and to set boundaries against disrespectful behavior (sexism, misogyny, bashing women) that we will not tolerate.
So, it’s about respect and zero tolerance for disrespect among human beings. Perhaps this is the underlying reason for TNA.
In paragraph 2, I meant to say “DISrespect is a national epidemic . . .”
While I totally agree with you about the disrespect shown to both Senator Clinton and Governor Palin, I question the motivation (sexism) behind it. Can you give some examples of respect shown to male candidates? To McCain, to Obama, to Bush, to B.Clinton, Kerry or Gore?
I hesitate to assign blame because seems to me like it is the nature of politics in this country. We do mock, ridicule and belittle (SNL, Daily Show, Limbough etc) political candidates if we don’t support them .
My roommate and I have this conversation during every American Idol show. She can not believe the disrespect shown by the judges towards some contestants. I repeat myself over and over again by saying: This is the 8th season of this show. The contestants have seen the way others were treated yet they chose to appear in front of these judges and millions of viewers willingly. The ones who took the mistreatment in stride and vowed to move on without the help of the show are the ones with real character and courage in the face of adversity are the winners, the ones who broke down, cursed, cried and flipped the bird are truly the losers.
Senator Clinton and Governor Palin are the winners who moved on. Unfortunately, TNA is starting to look like the bird flippers of American Idol.
Anne Marie,
Great piece! Thank you for writing this! I love the way you outline the 5 ways we can demand respect. If we do this – if we use our voices to demand respect – people will be less comfortable behaving with such hate.
Mary Ann,
I’m glad you brought up the questions you raised (despite comparing us to the bird flippers on American Idol). I don’t watch the show. I am assuming this is an insult?
But your basic premise is – well, isn’t everyone disrespected in politics? Get over yourself!
I can’t wait to answer this question later in the day when I have the time!
Bravo Anne Marie. Thanks so much for writing this up. And, yes. It does in the end boil down to respect which the women of this country should expect and deserve.
Ali,
I think you are missing the point entirely.
Think “observational analogy” (unnecessary to watch the show), not to be taken as an insult.
Get over myself? I don’t remember presenting myself in a superior way to get over myself. I do think that everyone in politics is basically exposed to disrespect from opponents. I hope it is still acceptable to express personal opinions, playing devil’s advocate and having some honest dialogue with the other members here.
Attacking me and others for our opinions is a weakness. I hope you will soon grow out of it.
I need to remind you all that The New Agenda’s blog is a peaceful and respectful environment. We do not permit attacks.
Mary Ann – you are new to the blog, so you may not be aware of our rules. We do encourage civilized discourse – but in a respectful manner.
There is a big difference between disrespect and dissent. And also irreverence. In America we practice irreverence towards our leaders, or we used to. We don’t like to put them up on a pedestal, above reproach because this is not a monarchy. They work for us.
But there is also an epidemic of disrespect in this country, towards everybody. There’s partisanship, there’s rap music with demeaning lyrics, there’s judges on American idol. But the fact that others are also disrespected doesn’t dismiss the incredible amount of disrespect shown towards women. Those rap lyrics are generally disrespecting women, the venom directed towards female politicians is staggering and out of proportion to their male counterparts. What makes it sexist is they way it is personalized towards women, such as Dick Armey’s recent nastiness, “I’m so damn glad that you can never be my wife because I surely wouldn’t have to listen to that prattle from you every day.” That’s a comment that reflects negatively on every woman.
We know from our experiences with racism that disrespect directed towards a group of people will translate into public policy. A culture that revels in racism will have racist policies. A culture that revels in sexism will have sexist policies. What makes something sexist is the systemic power behind it, how pervasive it is, and the consequences it brings to women. As an example, some of us called Bush dumb as a door nails. Did that hinder his ascension to the highest office in the land? Nope. But call Sarah Palin dumb and it echoes thru the culture and conjurs up all sorts of stereotypes which eventually led to her being perceived as unqualified to walk and chew bubblegum.
Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding. I didn’t mean “Get over yourself” coming from my end. This is how I assumed you viewed us due to your first commentary.
Ah, respect. I’ve been harping about this to the middle class white men in my life for a while now, and I’m glad to have your reinforcement. My experience is that demanding respect for yourself or other women is generally viewed as “strange” behavior. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a friend or two over it, although when you demand respect and it’s denied it may be safe to say that it wasn’t a friendship to begin with. The point is that A LOT of MCWM really don’t get it, and a lot of them do. Examples abound. Respect is the issue though, and it’s really almost the only one. Respect my body, respect my choices, respect my mind, respect my autonomy, etc etc.
Exhibit A of why we need to demand that women get respect:
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/#123699
Amy:
I did not think I was being disrespectful. If I was, I apologize. It was not intentional.
There are a lot of issues I agree with The New Agenda and there are a few I disagree. This is one of them. The issue of respect. I may be naive but I seem to remember Governor Palin agreeing with me on this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA15XU23kEc
I do think sexism is rampant in our culture but I think “disrespectfulness” is also part of the political landscape and it is not just the women who suffer from it.
Anne-Marie
Thanks for organizing a NY chapter and for stepping up to the plate to address the Monseratte issue. More power to you and, of course, best of luck, good wishes, kudos, congrats, and high fives!!!!!!
Mary Ann
I agree with some of the points in your post .However, I think it’s easy for many to get caught up in either/or thinking. I agree that politicians are subjected to all sorts of disrespectful treatment, satire, cartoons, charicatures, being boiled down to sound bites (part of which politicians themselves contribute to, in my view), mockery, etc. AND, I also feel it’s true that women are subjected to far more brutal treatment based on what appears to be nothing more than the fact of their gender.
Recent example: Several appointments to the Senate were made as seats were vacated due to appointments to positions with Obama’s administration. As far as I can recall, the men who were appointed had little press surrounding the appointment one way or another. Yet with Gillibrand’s appointment, much press, much fuss, and it ain’t pretty. I see this as emblematic of how things tend to go.
Another example: A gentleman is making a documentary about the 2008 election. I’ve seen a short clip. He interviewed lots of folks after they voted. They all knew about Palin and her pregnant daughter, the media’s manipulation of her words such that the public was made to believe she said you could see Alaska from one of the windows in her home (which is not what she said), and when asked which candidate said “58 states” no one was quite sure as they laughed in amazement that any candidate would say that and then proclaimed it must have been Palin. You see, the media didn’t hammer away relentlessly about Obama’s gaffe, but they did about any and all things regarding Palin and Clinton for that matter.
I don’t want to stay frozen in time, stuck on issues from last year: Obama, Clinton, Palin. However, 2008 was a shocking wake up call for many of us. It’s not that sexism didn’t exist before that, but last year it was so blatant, and because we had two women running for President and Vice President, it was all the more startling to see. And, sadly, as we try to move forward, we keep bumping up against the same bs, as we are now seeing with Gillibrand is being treated.
This is what it is right now. How I wish it were otherwise.
Obama signs LLL into law:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/200.....r_wh/obama
Curiously, diverts away from it being a women’s issue and labels it a family issue. True enough, but why not call it for what it is, as well. I see the “family issue” labeling as something that, perhaps, he thinks would resonate more with conservatives. Just a hypotheses. In any case, he supported the bill and signed it and that’s a good thing. Let’s not let the good things go unnoticed. It helps to avoid burn out and maintain fairness and balance.
And, hear, hear, for the day when such laws will be obsolete!
Congratulations Anne-Marie and the NY group! (I wish I could have been with you!)
I think the points your group developed about “respect” are dead on!
Hey! I posted a comment with a link two hours ago and it’s in moderation. What’s up with that?
I think it’s great that al of you met together in NY to discuss issues. It is essential that this woman’s movement come out of the ether and put boots on the ground. I think everyone (except one) agrees that the social atmosphere is disrespectful but the conditions for women are downright toxic. The only person who seems immune to ridicule is Barack Obama-he who must not be joked about.
Well, my point is, it’s fine to talk about respect, but the one’s who DEMAND it are more likely to get. Asking nicely and then being told to go away and iron his shirts is a recipe for even more disrespect. So whatever is done must be done with dedication and it must get RESULTS-not a place on some board.
Here’s an interesting 9-minute video. It says a lot. You’ll see Hillary at 6:00 and 7:31 in the video.
http://vodpod.com/watch/785070.....-of-sexism
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